Back to school is just around the corner, and while you may be focused on enjoying the last days of summer, one person who is prepped and ready is your English teacher. They’ve organized their syllabi, scoured thrift stores for the cardigans that make them look perfectly approachable, and have watched “Dead Poets Society” ad nauseum in preparation of expanding your mind to a world bigger than your hometown. And while that sounds nice, English is also your worst subject, and you need to get the upper hand come September. Here are some hot tips on how to assert dominance over your English teacher this fall:
- Actually do your summer reading. It may sound counterproductive to obey a teacher’s tyrannical interference with your summer vacation, but showing up to class with a flawless presentation on the themes of “My Antonia” will lull your English teacher into a false sense of security, giving you time to properly discover and assess their psychological weak spots.
- Get your classmates in on the game. Demand the right to watch movie adaptations at the end of every unit. Insist that the class read Redwall for the book club unit. Riot to have class outside every time the weather is even close to nice. Start a group chat to mobilize your peers: no single organization has benefited from collective bargaining more than a group of 11th grade English students.
- Declare war on a beloved American Novel. Personally, we recommend that you raise your hand during “The Great Gatsby” unit and declare that color symbolism is pedantic and overanalyzed in the Western literary canon. Watch chaos ensue.
- Find a commonly used word, and misuse it on purpose. When you first start saying “extrapolate” instead of “juxtapose”, your teacher will probably stop class to explain the difference to you. But keep at it- by the fifth or sixth time you mix it up, they’ll have no choice but to give up on correcting you for the sake of class time. Compromising on their intellectual standards will slowly drive your English teacher insane and your efforts will subtly lett them know that they are not the god of your language learning.
So remember folks- just because your teacher wants to inspire the next generation doesn’t mean they get to be in charge of the classroom that technically, they’re completely in charge of. Keep your psychological warfare subtle, consistent, and within the bounds of the law, and you’ll be set for the whole year. See you in class!