Opinion: It’s My God-Given Right to Get into a Gunfight on the Ferris Wheel at the State Fair

Photo by Tony Webster

I look forward to the State Fair like all the rest of you. I can house a bucket of Sweet Martha’s Cookies faster than you can say “I bought that for all of us”. I taught my son Brady to spit off the Skyway onto the fairground workers like my dad taught me, and Brady’ll pass that knowledge down to his son one day. I start drinking on August 26thand I’m not sober until they drag me out on Labor DayAnd as a loyal state fair goer and proud American I must say that it is my right to openly carry a deadly weapon at a family-friendly event. 

Banning guns on the state fair grounds is a recipe for disaster. Minneapolis and St. Paul were burned to the ground in 2020 and all that’s left is a post-apocalyptic hellscape that we need to protect ourselves from. Anyone who lives here in St. Cloud will say the same. We cannot let those terrorist snowflakes destroy the State Fair, so we must be armed and ready.
Even though guns have not been allowed at the State Fair, I have been secretly exercising my divine right to bear arms at the Great Minnesota Get-Together for the last several years.  I’ve smuggled guns in my son’s baby stroller to get a leg up on those bastards. I’ve shoved guns up places you didn’t even know you could fit a gun and told security I’ve got metal plates in my body. Nothing is off the table when we’re talking about safety and protecting civilians from dangerous men. 

Being forced to hide my guns is an infringement on my religious beliefs.I’m a God-fearing man, and I know God wants men to fear me. He wants me to have a lot of guns- He told me in a cocaine-fueled fever dream at my buddy Hal’s divorce party (It wasn’t illegal – Hal’s the sheriff and he said it’s cool). “Jim,” God said to me, “I want you to go out and collect as many guns as you possibly can. You’re gonna need ‘em. Especially at the State Fair.” Wouldn’t tell me why, the cheeky sonofabitch. But believe you me, when the Lord tells you to grab your guns and set up camp on the Ferris Wheel, you listen. 

I am a true patriot, which means I make enemies everywhere I go. That’s why I need my gun to protect my family, because many people are out for my family’s blood and mine. There’s a picture of me outside the Grandstand that says DO NOT LET THIS MAN IN – TRUST US. As if they could keep me out with a picture- I have multiple fake mustaches and a different gun for each one. I’m basically Jack Bauer if he drove an F-150 and picked fights in the Pronto Pup line. If people are afraid of me drunkenly shooting my handgun into the air because it makes an awesome sound, they can stay home. The 2ndAmendment clearly says “SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED”, and that means the more guns the merrier. I’ll meet you on the Ferris Wheel. 

God bless.