U of M Announces Brave Return to Generating Revenue This Fall

MINNEAPOLIS — Following an academic year cut short by the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, the University of Minnesota’s Board of Regents announced a brave return to generating revenue for the fall semester. The plan, which highlights an abbreviated academic calendar, virtual classes, and other significant departures from the standard campus experience, includes full price tuition.   

“From the beginning of this national pandemic, the Board has acted on its commitment to prioritize the health of the University’s free cash flow,” said Board Chair Ken Powell, adding “We will continue to deliver on the University’s core mission— raising tuition four times faster than inflation.”  

Sources close to the decision said planning for a fall semester amid a pandemic required a level of dedication, university resources, and creative problem solving previously unused when addressing the issue of rising college costs and crushing student debt.

On campus modifications include slightly thicker sneeze guards for the dining hall’s exposed buffet-style food and a state-of-the-art bursar’s office with automated interactive kiosks accepting Venmo, Cash App, and PayPal tuition payments. Additionally, the academic calendar will end by Thanksgiving to reduce holiday travel, allowing students to spread their newfound diseases to friends and family across the country.

The Board’s announcement, which repeatedly referred to students as “customers” and “walking sacks o’ money”, highlighted the importance of having healthy and alive students physically capable of purchasing $50,000 worth of Zoom classes.   

David McMillan, the Chair of the Finance & Operations Committee noted that coronavirus has significantly changed the approach for the U.  

“We’ve noticed dead students can’t give us money,” he said.