Uptown Developers Announce Partnership With Mother Nature To Create More Desirable Three-Bedroom Sinkholes

Image by Todd Lappin

MINNEAPOLIS — Local developers Brandon Smith and Blake Johnson were in a tight spot. The rising costs of building materials, coupled with a long and harsh winter, had pushed their development company, Uptown Funk, to the brink of bankruptcy.

“Prices were spiraling out of control,” complained Smith. “Blake and I were keeping the business afloat, but barely.” Just when it looked as if the developers had turned a corner, their business got smacked with a second economic punch: a winter season that was hanging around longer than a Sweet Martha’s cookie line.

“We looked to be turning a corner in March,” Johnson said. “But Mother Nature had different ideas.” Warmer weather, coupled with the record-breaking snowfall, caused flooding issues all around the Twin Cities, with the Uptown area being among the hardest hit. “Next thing I know, West 27th Street had more holes than the Minnesota GOP,” he lamented.

As March turned to April, the desperate developers delivered a decision.

“We figured, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” said Smith. “So Blake reached out to an old forest gnome he knew from his time spent clearcutting pristine timber lands in Northern Minnesota.” 

As it turned out, the gnome, Mr. Aegon Nockabark, was the second cousin to Old Man Winter, who himself was in the middle of an intense October-June romance with Mother Nature. When the developers finally tracked her down, she was ready to listen.

“That geezer’s mood swings were making me nervous,” admitted the ancient earth goddess. “I mean, he’s here, he’s gone, he’s back, he’s cold, he’s hot, he gets high on blow and knocks out a couple of sinkholes. Idiot.” 

But the developers’ ideas sparked something in her, and a partnership began to bloom. 

“Blake and Brandon presented me with a path out of a toxic relationship, as well as a 37% cut of gross profits, so I was in.” She quickly dumped the Frosty Freak and the new Uptown Funk team got to work, transforming ugly, asphalt crevasses into beautiful three-bedroom sinkholes.

“We also have single-unit affordable mud puddles available,” said Smith. “In fact, Aegon Nockabark is moving into one this fall.”