Whack Job Conspiracy Nut Claims “Spring Is Coming”

RED WING, MN – Disgraced geology teacher, Donald Spetzavitz continues to propagate the insane babbling that lead to his termination in the first place; the obscene notion that “winter is almost over” and “spring is almost here.”

“I know it’s been a rough winter for everyone”, says the unhinged maniac who used to be in charge of children’s education, “but we’re in the home stretch now, and then we can enjoy the beautiful outdoors again that this state has to offer.” Implying that there had been, or ever shall be a time, that this cold white despair of Minnesota winter ever did not exist, instead of what it truly is, which is a creature with no beginning or end that has forever been.

“I know it’s not a lot of people’s favorite season, but it’s got its own charm,” says the unattended nut job, who surely should be under some sort of social supervision at this point. “I’ve been skiing, and sledding with the kids. We made a snowman. Even staying inside and drinking hot chocolate with people you love, while watching the snowfall outside, can be a humbling experience to remind you of what’s really important” said the basket case, surely a danger to himself and others at this point.

This most ludicrous notion that Spetzavitz offers is that not only will this winter eventually end, but that it will somehow return again in several months, in some sort of a cyclical repetition: an unending cavalcade of misery, struggle, pain, the mocking torment of false promises of deliverance, and extinguished hope.

“It’s part of being Minnesotan,” claims the sociopath.