Do you enjoy the finest in craft brews that the Twin Cities has to offer? Do you fancy yourself to be an IPAficionado? Do you feel as cold as a freshly tapped keg to the world around you as the impermanence of life consumes your psyche? Take this fun quiz and maybe it will give you meaning if only for a moment as your soul floats through an existence weighted in self-loathing.
1. What color of beer are you most drawn to?
E. Doesn’t matter. Nothing matters
2. What flavors are you most drawn to?
A. Caramelly and savory
B. Sour and sugary
C. Bitter and spicy
D. Malty and refreshing
E. Whatever is in front of me
3. What have you been binging recently?
A. Rick and Morty
B. Gossip Girl
C. Friday Night Lights
D. The Office (for the 7th time lol)
4. What have you toasted to recently?
A. To old friends made new
B. To tonight
C. To good beer
D. To the game
E. To the approaching numbness
5. Do you think there is beer in heaven?
A. There better be
B. In my mind, heaven is one big dog-friendly patio
C. Of course there is
D. Probably just wine
E. There is no heaven
DANGEROUS MAN BREWING Chocolate Milk Stout — Slow, creamy, and sweet. You live a life reminiscent of school lunches and saturday morning cartoons, flavored with a boldness you arrogantly project onto others. A smooth and rich adult beverage, you are constantly trying to be the person your younger self would be proud of, only to fall short again and again.
LAKES & LEGENDS St. Gail Raspberry Honey Ale — Fun in the sun! You might be a little too sugary for most, but you’re just right for the warm weather despite your dry finish. With an effervescent personality, you are the life of the party because there is no other purpose to your days. Your sweet sadism pairs well with the tart absolution of a bubbly, sippable treat.
BAUHAUS BREW LABS Sky Five! India Pale Ale — Your inclination for ambrosial hops is founded on an appreciation of artisanal libations. Truly, only you can understand the rich, fruity sweetness and bitter spices that build the foundations of your self-gratifying enlightenment. Are you playing the part of connoisseur? Or fraud?
FAIR STATE BREWING Vienna Lager — You have a taste for adventure, but your dreams are but fleeting fantasies. Your depth of flavor is only as deep as you look into yourself: medium-bodied, malty, and crisp, but nothing more. Perhaps this is the year you finally backpack through the alps, but we all know that it isn’t.
SUMMIT BREWING CO. Extra Pale Ale — Everyone’s favorite Minnesota craft beer. You are the full-flavored people-pleasing brew, with your citrusy sweet and malty notes. But much like this ale, you are not as special as you think you are. Your caramelly and crisp finish rings hollow when contrasted with your monotonous existence. You blend in with the group, laugh along, act like you’re having a good time, but you are as empty like the calories in this EPA. Your life is built on sand.