SAINT PAUL — Last Thursday the Saint Paul City Council stunned and enthralled many citizens with an ordinance that would require all mayors named Melvin to work shirtless. The new law will take effect immediately, and, to the feigned surprise of the city council, will require mayor Melvin Carter to work without a shirt.
“What? Wow, I didn’t even think about that when I voted,” said Chris Tolbert of Ward 4. “But I guess he’s going to have to take his shirt off. I mean, it’s the law now.” the city councilwoman explained while biting her lip and imagining her next few weeks. The ordinance passed unanimously despite the many cries of protest from Local Hottie Bugatti With That Smokin Body Mayor Melvin Carter.
“This is insane,” Melvin commented. “I’ve got so much to work on: minimum wage, trash collection, police brutality, and now they want me to do all that without a shirt on?” Mayor Bae was surprised by how every city council member inexplicably could not see the effect of the vote. “I’m the mayor. My name is Melvin. I just don’t know how they could have made this mistake.”
“What’s important is he thinks it was a mistake,” said city councilman Jane Prince as he cooled himself with a tiny fan. “After the vote, we were all like, ‘Your name’s what? But that means- Oh brother!’ City government can be so confusing, mistakes happen. But it’s out of our hands now.”
Many speculate that this is another of the many attempts by the city council to get a look at dem abs. But others argue that Saint Paul has had several Hot Mayors like Edmund Rice, aka Mayor Zaddy, and George “Take Off Ya Shirt, Take Off Ya Pants” Otis, none of which ever experienced laws requiring they work shirtless.
When asked why the law was written councilwoman Rebecca Noecker of Ward 2 explained, “So Council President Amy Brendmoen and I were at our daily pushup briefing with Melvin, and he was going on and on about something or other when it hit me. What if we invested in affordable housing in order to end the cycle of homelessness so many experience? One bottle of red wine later, I had written and voted on this ordinance instead. Classic Rebecca.”
Many councilmembers had similar excuses. But none were willing to comment further. At press time, the council was voting on a new ordinance that required all mayors reenact the dance scene from flash dance before every meeting.