Local Director Runs Needlessly Cutthroat Fringe Festival Auditions

Following the selection of his name for the annual Minnesota Fringe Festival, St. Paul native Keith Colburn immediately  rented theater space to conduct unnecessarily intense and selective auditions for his original play, “America the Ugly: Red, White, and Untrue”.

After quickly allowing the newfound power go to his head, the beginner director created a gratuitously harsh process requiring the performers to memorize three monologues, bring two original songs, and sign a non-disclosure agreement, with no promise of compensation.

“The Minnesota Fringe Festival is about coming together to celebrate local art as a community. And I plan on celebrating better than everyone else,” the inexperienced Mr. Colburn said in between screaming “Next!” at the friends who felt pressured to audition.

“Look, I’m not saying he shouldn’t have pride in his work,” commented Jessica Reinfeld, local actor and audition participant, “But, there’s no reason to demand we shave our heads just for the audition.”

Calling his production a groundbreaking exploration of society, Mr. Colburn expressed the desire to find a cast capable of delivering the complex ideas and emotions he spent last Friday afternoon writing.

“As an artist and creator, I expect my actors to possess a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’ that can meet my work on its level,” the first time showrunner said, mispronouncing the French turn of phrase, “In order to achieve this, I must break their spirit, then ask them to publicly reminisce a painful memory in order to cry on command. I’ll do this during five stages of callbacks of which the schedules and locations will continue to change last minute.”

At press time, sources close to Mr. Colburn stated the rookie playwright began prompting actors to read sides in various accents unrelated to the content. When asked how long the auditions will take, the novice director responded, “Until I discover my star.”