Loring Park Now 35% Goose Poop

MINNEAPOLIS — The Minneapolis Park & Recreations Board have released their findings from a month-long research effort to determine the exact percentage of goose feces in relation to accessible land in Loring Park. The board announced that 35% of Loring Park pathways, facilities, and grassy areas are covered in the waterfowl excrement.

The report comes to no surprise to residents of the Loring Park area who have had to walk through the “minefield of shit” on their daily commutes throughout the 289 acres (101 of which is painted with the droppings of geese).

“Every year the migratory geese return from the southern states only to relieve their digestive tracts in our great parks.” District 4 Park Commissioner Jono Cowgill said during the Park & Recreations Board meeting. “They just really, really like to drop the kids off at the pool in Loring Park.”

Cleanup efforts seem to have reached an impasse, as crews attempting to wash and remove the poop have been met with the intimidating trumpeting of aggressively territorial geese.

When asked to comment, the Loring Park alpha goose, nicknamed “Kaiser Honk” ruffled his feathers, angrily flapped his wings, and hissed at reporters.

“The shit is here to stay, unfortunately.” stated Commissioner Cowgill