MINNEAPOLIS — Struggling to get his expense form in on time, Minneapolis Police officer Benjamin Milner reported difficulties finding the correct expense codes for his assaults on civilians.
Officer Milner was on duty in South Minneapolis in the days after George Floyd’s murder and during one of the protests he fired his weapon into a small crowd gathered near Lake St and Minnehaha Ave.
“The crowd was running for cover and some of them had these shoulder-mounted weapons with long cables that I’ve never seen before. They also had these badges that I couldn’t read but I assume said “Antifa”. I wasn’t taking the chance of getting close enough so I fired some shoulder-height warning shots. How the fuck was I suppossed to know they were members of the press?”
It was situations like this that resulted in the city of Minneapolis paying police $3.3 million in overtime.
“Hey, man, it’s hard being a cop. Did you know it takes 45 minutes to take off that military-grade riot gear? Then I have to detail my entire shift for billing to give me overtime! I’ve been over the book 10 times, but I can’t find the code for blinding a member of the press,” Milner said. He added, “[Officer] Davis had no trouble classifying slashing tires of random cars, or even his bulk purchase of Punisher window decals, but I still can’t find the code for me!” “I’m sure it exists, because our department has definitely done it before,” he added.
After a grueling 10 minutes, Milner settled on the rarely used code 4435, “Apprehending a Violent Sexual Perpetrator”, opting to let billing sort it out.