Pretentious Craft Spirits Drinker Pivots to Pretentious Hand Sanitizer User
Faced with restrictions to serving cocktails on-site and a severe shortage of hand sanitizer, a group of Twin Cities distilleries shifted from producing spirits to producing hand sanitizer. Seeing an opportunity to “support the cause” Alpertson has shifted his niche, judgemental taste to craft-made hand sanitizer.
When Minnesota’s distilleries were forced to shut down their cocktail rooms due to COVID-19, self-described “spirits connoisseur” Mitch Alpertson was at a loss.
“Before the virus hit, I was at a different cocktail lounge every night, explaining fine craft spirits to my Tinder dates”, said the 32 year old web developer, “and that was all taken away from me in an instant”.
Faced with restrictions to serving cocktails on-site and a severe shortage of hand sanitizer, a group of Twin Cities distilleries shifted from producing spirits to producing hand sanitizer. Seeing an opportunity to “support the cause” Alpertson has shifted his niche, judgemental taste to craft-made hand sanitizer.
To demonstrate his sensory prowess, Alpertson squeezed some locally made sanitizer into his hands, rubbed his hands together, placed them up to his nose and inhaled deeply. After repeating “Ah, yes” several times, Alpertson shared his thoughts.
“There are a lot of subtle floral notes that someone with a less refined palate, say a nurse, or grocery worker would not detect.” Alpertson then listed a slew of activities that paired well with certain sanitizers. “Hospitals are so droll so you’ll definitely want a playful antibacterial like those at Du Nord. But if you’re going for an evening jaunt to your local provisions emporium, like Target, you’ll want a more floral, effervescent lavender sanitizer from Brother Justus.”.
“But sometimes,” he said, checking the pocket watch connected to his tweed vest, “you have to get another taste to really figure it out”.
Alpertson squeezed a significant stream directly into his mouth, and swished the liquid for a good 10 minutes with a furrowed brow.
“While I really like Tattersall’s older stuff better, I think their new stuff has a really refreshing taste”.
When asked for his opinions of name brand sanitizers like Purell, Alpertson scoffed.
“Oh, THAT Arctic troll piss? It’s absolutely disgusting. No body, and just a one note flavor”.
“I mean,” he continued “who even uses that stuff?”