BLOOMINGTON — Despite research showing that spending time indoors with many other people significantly increases the risk of contracting COVID-19, the Mall of America is confident that patrons will risk their lives for the opportunity to shop at national chain retailers while slurping down a smoothie from Orange Julius™.
“We are confident that shoppers will tempt Death itself so they can suck down an OrangeBerry Xtreme™ while hanging out in one of our two American Eagle™ stores” said MOA spokesperson Greg Sturgis.
“Sure, they can get these products delivered directly to their homes, or even purchase them at less risky stand alone stores,” continued Sturgis, “but the MOA Experience™ has always been about breathing in poorly circulated air surrounded by strangers on a layover from Dallas while aimlessly walking and eating a CinnabonⓇ”.
“Look, you can either go out sitting in a hospital slowly dying from a disease, or you can go out sitting in a hospital slowly dying from a disease that you contracted while having a rocking good time at The Crayola ExperienceⓇ” added Sturgis. “We know our customers will choose the latter.”
At press time there was a line of 400 cars already lined up to get into the MOA parking lot.