REPORT: You’re Not Wrong for Always Choosing Killebrew Drive, Lindau Lane Has Phony Vibes and Weird Energy

BLOOMINGTON — Officials from Bloomington’s Department of Transportation have recently confirmed that Lindau Lane has “phony vibes and weird energy”. The city completed a thorough investigation after receiving numerous tips regarding strange occurrences and moods on Lindau Lane, like being stopped for road rent by a youth landlording association, and countless reports that driving on Lindau Lane feels like a deep, hot, mouth breath.

“Mouth breathing is a common indicator of weirdo energy,” said Amina Redding, a traffic engineer. “That was our first sign that the vibes of Lindau Lane were all the way off.”

Redding also conducted field research to understand the reports for herself.

“Last week, I drove down Lindau Lane, and out of nowhere, a five-person roller derby team in velvet hot pants appeared at each of my windows, demanding that I salute them for their service,” said Redding. “It was odd, but I did it because they do work hard and this nation doesn’t recognize their efforts enough. As much as I respected that experience, I can agree that Lindau Lane is phony and on sneak shit.” 

Traffic footage owned by the city’s Department of Transportation shows that drivers going towards Mall of America use Lindau Lane only four percent of the time. Of the four percent who use Lindau Lane, a majority have been spooked by the seemingly cursed road.

“Killebrew never failed me, but one day I felt like trying something new so I took the goofy-ass lane,” said Mona Washington, a recent Lindau Lane motorist. “Next thing I know, my car is in the air, en route to the sun like Danny Zuko and Sandy at the end of Grease. Horrible. Horrible movie. I thought I could be cool with Lindau Lane. But for it to identify my intense detestation of that movie, and then immerse me in it? Absolutely not. I’ll never drive on that fake, funky road again.”

As leaders from the City of Bloomington made the official announcement at a press conference outside of the JW Marriott, an eerie whisper song emanated from the general vicinity of Lindau Lane, decrying Killebrew Drive as predictable and washed up.