Tyler Martindale

Walz: Human Sacrifice Altars Can Open If They Have Safety Plan

According to the new rules, all sacrificial victims, high priests, and members of the crazed crowd baying for a cleansing shower of human blood must stand at least six feet from one another at all times. Masks must also be worn by all present, whether their heads are currently attached to their bodies or tumbling down pyramid stairs. All swords, clubs, and shards of obsidian must be thoroughly disinfected between uses.

New MNSure Diamond Level Plans Offer Same-Day Organ Delivery

Online insurance marketplace MNSure has added new top-tier Diamond Level plans available through providers Healthpartners, Medica, and UCare. Diamond Level plans charge considerably higher premiums but provide access to better care, cover more medications, and allow customers to have any organ delivered in a YETI-brand rolling cooler to their doorstep within 12 hours, no questions asked.

New TSA Body Scanner Can Detect Microscopic Traces of Holiday Cheer

An experimental new body scanner capable of detecting and eliminating microscopic traces of contraband holiday cheer will be installed at Minneapolis-St Paul International Airport just in time for Christmas. 

“The holidays can be a time of joyfulness and thanksgiving”, said TSA agent Valerie Sanders, “we’re hoping this new machine can put an end to all that”.

TSA guidelines have long made it clear that cheer of any kind is strictly prohibited on all domestic and international flights but until now…

In Too Deep: In A Moment Of Panic, This Fifth Grade Teacher Desperate to Seem Cool Blurted Out ‘Ben Franklin Invented Fortnite’ And Is NOT Backing Down

“Yeah, obviously it wasn’t exactly like the Fortnite we know today,” stammered Mr. Mohr, frantically racking his brain for a way to keep the con going, “but it still had all the dances and the…um…parachutes”.

When he thought he might be out of the woods and could move on to discussing the Franklin stove, student Emma Carson, 11, raised her hand and asked…